Haters gon’ hate… and haters’ HATERS gon’ hate too!
Brief summary of the letter: mother kicks son out of the house for professing to be gay; the grandfather then takes in the son and disowns the daughter.
Gay rights advocates applaud this – or so it would seem. Not me. You won’t see me cheering. And before you assume that I’m anti-gay for saying this, please allow me to state for the record that you’re SO wrong. And if you believe Gramps should kick Mom out of his life over this, you’re wrong again!
Somewhere along the line there has to be healing, if we are to move forward, if we are to live full and happy lives. And this is just not it. How can the son come into the fullness of his own life when he has just watched his mom, and his granddad in succession, take actions based on the feeling of the moment – “knee-jerk” actions – which may have life-long repercussions? Will the son ever learn behaviors that can make his life fulfilling this way?
Of course, by “behaviors,” I mean
- motivation to change and grow
- family interdependence (e.g. the need for elders to care for children when young; the need for children to care for elders as they age; the need for PRIVACY)
That last is really important. The letter’s hosting site may have kept the identities of the son and granddad secret, but that’s secondary – the fact is, the world is seeing the family’s dirty laundry, and is reacting to it, and none of the three of them can ever NOT know this, for better or for worse. What if… this thought frightens me… what if this becomes a reality show?
I might also add that however much support the son and granddad may get over the Internet through this, it pales next to the vitriol that will be poured on the as-yet unknown mom. If she sees the storm of reactions, and she WILL, there are two possible reactions:
- she will admit to everything
- or she’ll say she’s just not the same
and as the Fray would say, “and you’ll begin to wonder why you came.” The mom will either be confirmed in her rejection of her son, or she will be broken in spirit. Can you REALLY say that either of those outcomes is desirable?
I believe in healing. I believe in reconciliation. I believe in a functional family. None of these are possible under the current situation. Can the cheering advocates REALLY think there’s been some kind of “victory” here?
Shanyn Silinski, friend of No Such Thing as a Bully, gets the last word:
I believe in two things when it comes to relationships – reconciliation if there is conflict, and if there is no reconciliation then healthy boundaries. Reconciliation is not always safe, possible or desirable – but intergenerational disowning is not healthy and is harmful.
If you read to the end, here’s a fan-produced list of 99 ways to save a life, derived from the Fray’s video, which names about a third of them. There may be a few here for which your buy-in mileage may vary. 🙂