Letter from granddad to mom about estranged gay son

Here’s a letter we discovered at Yahoo Parenting.

Brief summary of the letter: mother kicks son out of the house for professing to be gay; the grandfather then takes in the son and disowns the daughter.

Gay rights advocates applaud this – or so it would seem. Not me. You won’t see me cheering. And before you assume that I’m anti-gay for saying this, please allow me to state for the record that you’re SO wrong. And if you believe Gramps should kick Mom out of his life over this, you’re wrong again!

Somewhere along the line there has to be healing, if we are to move forward, if we are to live full and happy lives. And this is just not it. How can the son come into the fullness of his own life when he has just watched his mom, and his granddad in succession, take actions based on the feeling of the moment – “knee-jerk” actions – which may have life-long repercussions? Will the son ever learn behaviors that can make his life fulfilling this way?

Of course, by “behaviors,” I mean

  • forgiveness
  • repentance/regret
  • motivation to change and grow
  • family interdependence (e.g. the need for elders to care for children when young; the need for children to care for elders as they age; the need for PRIVACY)

That last is really important. The letter’s hosting site may have kept the identities of the son and granddad secret, but that’s secondary – the fact is, the world is seeing the family’s dirty laundry, and is reacting to it, and none of the three of them can ever NOT know this, for better or for worse. What if… this thought frightens me… what if this becomes a reality show?

I might also add that however much support the son and granddad may get over the Internet through this, it pales next to the vitriol that will be poured on the as-yet unknown mom. If she sees the storm of reactions, and she WILL, there are two possible reactions:

  • she will admit to everything
  • or she’ll say she’s just not the same

and as the Fray would say, “and you’ll begin to wonder why you came.” The mom will either be confirmed in her rejection of her son, or she will be broken in spirit. Can you REALLY say that either of those outcomes is desirable?

I believe in healing. I believe in reconciliation. I believe in a functional family. None of these are possible under the current situation. Can the cheering advocates REALLY think there’s been some kind of “victory” here?

Shanyn Silinski, friend of No Such Thing as a Bully, gets the last word:

I believe in two things when it comes to relationships – reconciliation if there is conflict, and if there is no reconciliation then healthy boundaries. Reconciliation is not always safe, possible or desirable – but intergenerational disowning is not healthy and is harmful.

If you read to the end, here’s a fan-produced list of 99 ways to save a life, derived from the Fray’s video, which names about a third of them. There may be a few here for which your buy-in mileage may vary. 🙂

  1. Love
  2. Listen
  3. Breathe
  4. Imagine
  5. Let it go
  6. Believe
  7. Forgive
  8. Hold still
  9. Hold close
  10. Amaze yourself
  11. Remember
  12. Make yourself secure
  13. Make everyone secure
  14. Take it back
  15. Let it go
  16. Dream
  17. Fear
  18. Talk to someone
  19. Don’t lie
  20. Don’t pretend
  21. Trust yourself
  22. Cry
  23. Accept
  24. Don’t hurt yourself
  25. Don’t hurt anyone
  26. Keep moving
  27. Regret
  28. Forget
  29. Make peace
  30. Make love
  31. Banish wars
  32. Banish hate
  33. Be free
  1. Feel free
  2. Stand still
  3. Don’t be scared of death
  4. Have faith
  5. Admire
  6. Stand strong
  7. Surrender
  8. Dance
  9. Smile
  10. Laugh
  11. Break
  12. Touch
  13. Have secrets
  14. Share secrets
  15. Know secrets
  16. Relieve
  17. Don’t lie to yourself
  18. Release
  19. Run
  20. Learn
  21. Leave
  22. Trust
  23. Question
  24. Be kind
  25. Keep your memories
  26. Don’t forget
  27. Kiss
  28. Hug
  29. Scream out
  30. Be true
  31. Admit
  32. Live
  33. Release the fear
  1. Secure
  2. Give
  3. Leave a legacy
  4. Make a difference
  5. Change the world
  6. Share
  7. Have passion
  8. Fulfill your purpose
  9. Pray
  10. Repent
  11. Be baptized
  12. Receive the Holy Spirit
  13. Be like Jesus
  14. Believe (again)
  15. Have faith
  16. Heal the sick
  17. Feed the poor
  18. Hold a child
  19. Smile to everyone you meet
  20. Open up
  21. Sing
  22. Be thankful
  23. Encourage others
  24. Walk with God
  25. Worship
  26. Sell out for the Kingdom
  27. Be prepared
  28. Win a soul
  29. Know your identity
  30. Be humble
  31. Watch what you say
  32. Pray for wisdom
  33. Say goodbye