dimpleA few days ago, I fussed about the person behind me getting too close. The car in front of me sends coded messages with the brake lights getting on my last nerve. How dare those cars cutting out behind me in to the exit lane race ahead ten to twelve vehicles to cut back in! What is with that dude on the bike connecting dots and almost hitting the side mirror of the truck in the lane next to me? I looked around to see drivers texting, talking on phones, putting on make-up and other tasks best done elsewhere, anywhere but while driving. A horn sounded out the opening bars of “Dixieland” as I spotted a General Lee look-alike car and I began to laugh.

In that moment of stress relieving amusement, I recall one of my favorite people. Christian blue-collar comedian Jeff Foxworthy spent most of his career educating us on who we might be. He introduced the world to what traits they may possess that identifies them as a redneck. His warm and often hilarious routine delivered with the correct Southern accent, points out how we can get in touch with our inner bumbling country bumpkin.

Although I’m from the south, on occasion have been called witty, if not humorous, and know a few of those good ole boys of his routine, I am in no way comparing myself to Mr. Foxworthy. I appreciate his style in enlightening us and it is my prayer to do the same. With the kindest of hearts, I ask you to go beyond this short list of driving infractions, adding your own observations for correction to “I might be a bully if…”

  • Playing vehicular leapfrog with inappropriate use of entrance or exit lanes is a favorite game
  • Traffic signs are merely suggestions, especially stop, yield, or speed limits
  • “Use the bumper; that’s what it’s for,” from “Goldeneye” is a line I relish, especially in parking lots
  • Justification of an orange light comes easily as I zip through an intersection
  • The “Lane ends 500 feet ahead” sign is an invitation to race by those patiently moving forward slowly
  • The horn is an excellent starting gun for the car sitting too long at a green turn arrow
  • Tapping my brakes repeatedly is my signal for the car behind me to slow down or back off
  • Visualizing turn signals is my indication of a direction change
  • Point values accrue for serpentine driving at high rates of speed
  • Taking care of personal hygiene is acceptable while in bumper-to-bumper traffic
  • Making eye contact with another driver in the give & take lane is taboo
  • One finger salutes are my waves to others
  • No one else knows how to drive
  • I claim none of this has ever applied to my driving style